Assignments

We all have assigned roles in life. Child, leader, follower, husband, father, genius, guide, schmuck. The only trick is figuring out which role is the right one, who's the appropriate assigner of roles, and how much of each role you have to accept.

The Hidden Cost of Living in Florida

When I first moved to Florida, I saw all these signs about Deed Restricted Communities. More than once, I wondered aloud what they were. Ten years later, having moved into one, I know what they are: developments with homeowners associations. HOAs, as we call them, are necessary evils. They prevent your across-the-street neighbor from replacing the shrubs in front of his house with old appliances, a car on blocks, and live poultry. They also leave notes in your mailbox telling you to fix things.

This year, I worked at home as the lady from the property management company--the HOA cops--wrote us up. I watched through the window as she sat in the car and noted something, then drove to the next house. This week, I got the anticipated nasty-gram. We had too much mildew on the driveway and sidewalk. Previously, I borrowed the next door neighbor's pressure washer to take care of that. Unfortunately, he moved. So I cleaned the driveway the cheap way: with bleach.

In a related topic, cheap sandals hurt my feet. So earlier this year, I dropped thirty-five bucks on a pair of Tevas. As a result, I didn't want to wear sandals to clean the driveway. And I hate wet sneakers, so I eschewed footwear and set to work.

Unless you're as stupid as I am, you know the rest of the story. I didn't finish the driveway, and I spent much of Saturday in bed, off my feet. And yesterday, too. My wife got to do the universal wifely activity of shaking her head in awe at the lack of neural activity between my ears.

I've had to do a number of irritating things because of where I've lived. I've shoveled snow just so I could shovel it again when the second foot fell. I've raked leaves to no significant gain (my dad had a talent for picking the windiest day of the fall for leaf-raking). And I've used the ice chopper to carve a canal in a sheet of ice so the rainstorm wouldn't flood my grandmother's basement. But I've never burnt my feet with bleach. And I've never queued up plywood next to the windows. Not until I moved to Florida.

Winter is optional. Driving in it is irritating. But so is bleaching the driveway.