September 30, Freedom to See Your Flaws

Well, we made it. Another last day of existence has come and past and here we are.

Freedom includes the ability to be introspective. It includes the ability to honestly look at yourself and take the time to realistically assess who and what you are. Catholicism has a concept called "examination of conscience." Taken at its face value, it means that you review what you've done before you go to bed at night and ask forgiveness.

But it's really deeper than that. It involves a look within yourself on an ongoing basis to see who you are and figure out where that stands in relation to who you want to be. This is not to say that we have to perform to earn grace. But, as new knowledge is laid upon your heart, you must deal with that or you are living with less than you should. Inspection of conscience is part of the process of assimilating the new information.

But given the fact the you know that God loves you, you have the freedom to try to look at yourself objectively, perhaps as God sees you. I mean look at yourself in totallity. Don't concentrate on what you have messed up, or on what you excel at. But look at the whole package and figure out, in prayer, thought, and communion with others, and figure out where you want to go from there.

This is not a one-day project. I think that one flaw in many newer Christians is that they expect that their character flaws are going to evaporate. Things will get better and the worst things about you will vanish.

That's not how it goes. Following God involves a lot of waiting. It involves understanding that this is for the long haul. It is not going to instantly change and you are not likely to turn into Mother Theresa overnight.

If anything, the lessons might be harder to deal with, because now you don't have to protect yourself against them. You can really explore your screwups because you are covered by the blood of the Lamb and the love of your Father. And you can explore the parts of you that you don't like without being impaled on them and whipping yourself for them.

The proper role of conscience is as a guide to show you what you don't want, and to move from there. Once you are alerted to where you need to go and you do what you can to make right what you have screwed up, let it go.

You can't get better if you define yourself by your failures. And you can't guide other people to a salvation that you don't really believe in.

September 29

Today is supposed to be the end of the world.

According to some knuckleheads who appeared on Mark and Brian's morning radio show in LA a while back, there would be earthquakes and a giant volcano and an asteroid. Today.

And lo and behold, all of that is happening, to one degree or another. And today's readings reference apocalyptic stuff and talk of the wonderful signs that we will see. And then there is Florida, which has been the sparring partner for a succession of hurricanes. And Haiti, which has been a living hell for those who reside there.

So maybe today is the end of time. So what? If God is loving and you are His, what does it matter? Left Behind is a well-marketed take on Revelation. But it is also largely irrelevant.

What is more relevant is the pain that the people in Florida and Haiti are living through. What is more relevant is the harm that might come if Mount St. Helens explodes. And what is most important is our response to that.

September 28

Okay, so we are free. And we can celebrate that freedom.

And then life happens.

Right now, I am in above my head at work. I am lucky in that my boss understands that I am in above my head and allows me to make mistakes without the threat of summary execution. I have not always been so lucky.

But that having been said, when I get home in the evening, I feel as if I have run the gauntlet. My work life is from the Indiana Jones school of business survival. It is one of the things that happens in life and before you take this as complaining, we got through all the hurricanes so far and haven't lost life, roof, or electricity.

The point is that I am free and that God invites me to bask in and celebrate that freedom. But then the crap creeps in from around the edges and before long, I am so busy beating back the crap such that it becomes a consuming, full-time occupation. And before long, I have given up my freedom in exchange for the work of making it through the day.

So how does one avoid this fate?

Beats me. I wish I knew. But I think it starts through community. It starts by having people around you who can remind you of your freedom. Because freedom isn't free; it's hard. It's hard to maintain and it's hard to remember and you need people around you who will be with you and remind you. With them you don't have to worry about agendas or who's out to take credit for what you did or whether they want what you have.

The Bible counsels us to seek wise counsel. But it is equally important that you find wise counsel that will stand with you and listen to you when you are broken-hearted or just sit with you when you don't want to be alone.

I have a wife who is a better companion than I deserve. Companion almost sounds like an insult in the context of marriage and love. But it's not, really. At the end of it, that's the gift of marriage. God gives us to each other so that we can stand by each other and know that someone will be there no matter how bad the day has been. I've never though about this before, but in the bounds of marriage, we are to be God's hands to each other. When I have been beaten and tossed about during the day and I come home and my wife hugs me, she becomes God's hands to me. What a wonderful miracle.

I meet with a group of guys each Saturday morning. Until quite recently, I stayed away because of things happening at my church. When I went back two Saturdays ago, they were genuinely happy to see me and they accepted me even though I sat and said almost nothing. And they accepted me this past weekend when it was appropriate for me to say a great deal.

You can't be free alone. Freedom requires help. And that help is why a supportive community is so important in the context of Christian living.

September 27

Sometimes, in the midst of your freedom, stuff will reach up and grab you. Sometimes, because we aren't perfect, our imperfections will snake up out of the ground and ensnare you and capture you. It is another of our imperfections.

A lot of the stuff we look at and view as harmless, really isn't. In actuality, it's not that it's harmful, it's that it could lead to harm. And that has to be dealt with in the context of freedom. Because freedom isn't free and it isn't easy. And though it is our heritage and it was what God purchased for us at the cost of His Son's life, it can be hard to maintain.

I guess that it's time to bow and turn to Him and ask for His grace and His wisdom to guide you. And at the end, if we perservere and stand strong in Him, the reward will be worth the effort. I guess that's the part where faith kicks in. If you know that you will stand in His presence, then it makes it much easier to humbly take on what has been placed in front of you.

September 26

It has been a crazy week, and thus no posting. It was a week in which I was sick the first half of the week. The second half of the week featured requests then demands at work for things I don't have the authority or ability to do. By the end of the week, I was feeling pretty cranky and not at all Godly.

And I think that's okay.

One of the things that I tend to do to myself is to expect perfection. If I am able to do something, I should be able to do it each and every time. There is no excuse for anything else...

But that is not in keeping with the freedom that God has granted us. The bottom line is this:

• Do your best to love God and your neighbor
• Ask forgiveness when you screw it up
• Try again tomorrow

To some people, this represents a dangerous proposition. It means we are free to crap all over each other in the name of love your neighbor. After all, if I love you, then I will get you right with God using any means necessary. And I will do it with love. And, if somehow this force-feeding hurts you, I will just ask forgiveness and I have no responsibility.

That's not God's love; it's Marie Barone's.

God's love means that you have to do your best, then really examine your conscience. In many cases, the views we have of sin are almost child-like. I said something mean or I ate a second piece of cake. But those are only skin-deep. Real sin runs much deeper and sometimes takes a long time to sort out. Catholics have a concept called examination of conscience, which you are supposed to do before receiving the Eucharist and before confession.

But examination of conscience is an on-going process that can take months or even longer, as you continually change and mature in your relationship with God. And its purpose is to understand where you stand in relationship to where you belong to guide your relationship with God and how you play that relationship out in daily life. It's not an excuse to beat yourself up, but to take responsibility for what you have done, so you can bring it to God and be freed of it. Without this process, we would be defined as a collection of our worst mistakes, and that ignores the intrinsic value of each human being.

The examination of conscience is a key component of freedom because without it, you can misuse your freedom and do great harm to people.

Put another way, I have been freed from a great number of things. The last thing I want to do is to use my freedom to build prisons of guilt or insufficiency for others. And because I can ask forgiveness when I screw it up, and I know I will be granted that forgiveness, I am free to try again, but with the humility of someone who is escaping a storm of my own making through the grace and mercy of a loving Father who guides and protects.

2004 World Series Prediction

The Boston Red Sox will win the World Series this year.

September 19

Against all this context, the story of Job takes on a new meaning. I have always been afraid of the story of Job. Every possible thing that could go wrong happens to Job. I have had some tests in my adult life, but I have been blessed by a wife who believes in me more than I believe in myself.

Job doesn't have that luxury. Even his wife tells him to curse God and die.

But look at what happens to Job. Everything is not taken from him. He stands firm, and though his faith waivers, his soul remains untouched and he enters into a greater reward at the end of his travails.

Romans 8:28 says that "We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."

At first, I took that as a very comforting passage because it meant that God wasn't going to do anything that was bad for me as long as I loved Him. But then, I realized that the things that are good for me are sometimes not happy, lovely things. Sometimes they involve pain and difficulty. Sometimes they involve dealing with my sins and shortcomings in a very intimate and painful manner.

Suddenly, what had been a very comforting passage became very ominous. God would do what was good for me, even if it hurt. And it was not something that I can control.

Now, my view of this passage is a combination. God is going to make all things work for me if I love Him. And yes, those things may be very painful. I have to interject that I am not looking forward to the judgement day, because I know that I have done some things that I am not going to want to be tried over. But in the end, as long as I stand firm in the grace of God, my soul cannot be taken from me.

That means as long as I seek God first, though things may come up that hurt, they are transitory and will eventually melt away before the goodness of God. I can act in freedom and do not have to be bound to ego-laden self-protection.

September 18

So how does one become free, then?

I believe that's where the denial of self comes in. Denial of self is a very difficult teaching. It is far too easy to interpret self-denial as literally denying yourself fun and goodness and lightness of heart. It is equally easy to interpret it as self-flagellation, as sort of an ongoing fixation on our inability to stand before God.

As you look at the cross, it is easy to get stuck on the fact that you might as well have been the person holding the nails and swinging the hammer. And that is true. But it is also half of the story. The other half is Jesus publicly asking for our forgiveness because we don't know what we are doing.

In a similar way, brokeness before God is just half the picture. Yes, we are all worthy of condemnation. But we are also forgiven, brought back into our heritage as His by His love made concrete through the pleas of Jesus to forgive us. It is not enough to realize that we are guilty of putting Jesus on the cross. After that must come the realization that once put there, Jesus--my Lord and my God--asked for our forgiveness. And by the very action that causes our condemnation, we are give the keys to forgiveness.

Judging yourself is to some degree appropriate, but it is not enough. We have to understand that judgement to understand that we have screwed up and that we fall short. And then, we have to do something about it. And that something determines whether we are broken by the Rock of Salvation or elevated by it.

We have to understand that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him might not perish, but have eternal life.

Well, if God is with you, then what can you not withstand if you stay in His graces? Every single thing that you have can be stripped away, except for the love of a Father who went to extraordinary means to show us that love. And with that realization comes the understanding that nothing can hurt you.

And that is the beginning of freedom.

September 16

Today's Readings

Today's Gospel reading includes the story of the harlot who washes Jesus' feet with her tears and wipes them with her hair. In the story, Jesus says to the Pharisee who objects that she loves much because she has been forgiven much.

We all have our list of things that we have done that make us blush. These are the things that, if people were to find out, they would not tolerate you or even look at you. They are the things that you might figure would keep you from God the entire time.

It is how we deal with these things that is the key to the entire puzzle. We have all sinned. We have all screwed up. We have all fallen short. The rock upon which we can be broken or elevated is how we deal with that. The promise of Jesus is that we are more than the sum of our failures. We are more than the sum of the hurts we have caused.

Freedom and the ability to love others flows from our ability to let go of those things that keep us from God. We are forgiven. We can let go of that crap that bogs us down. That is not to say that we aren't responsible. It is not to say that the freedom is cheap. On the contrary, it is very expensive. In order to let go of it, you must first understand it. And take ownership of it.

Denial of self includes the denial of the things that we hold dear to us that disfigure us. It includes letting go of those things that we have done that have hurt others and that hurt us as we blanche inside before our God and the realization of how we have fallen short.

We cannot truly love others and show them freedom until we are free ourselves.

September 15

Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, love is not pompous,
it is not inflated, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

This is what we are called to be. These are the characteristics we are called to have. Ironically, it is in these characteristics that we wind up having the most freedom.

September 14

How can we be free when we have built our own prisons?

I am faced, lately, with a prison made up of my own actions. The things I have done, some of them little and some of them not so little, have come together to show me my worst. I have made some awful mistakes. I have been selfish at times and let down the people who have counted on me.

We cannot have a society without responsibility. Yet we cannot have a society without redemption, either. It is a basic Christian concept that no one is worthy, not even one. And that's true. No matter how good you think you are, at some point, you will have realizations that cut you to the bone because you know it represents the worst of you and you know it is true.

But it is also a basic Christian concept that each person is fearfully and wonderfully made in the Creator's image. No matter how bad you think you are, at some point, you will have the realization that you have done something wonderful. Yet, how many time have you rejoiced over your accomplishments and triumphs?

Freedom lies in combination of responsibility and redemption. And redemption is ours, if we avail ourselves of it. It's all up to us, regardless of whether or not we are Christian. If you are Christian, then it is accepting the forgiveness of a loving God, no strings attached. No groveling. No crawling along the ground. No self-flagellation.

If you are not Christian, then it's a change of perspective. It's a change of the way you perceive yourself. Freedom is not attained by ignoring your infirmities. It is attained by understanding that you are not the sum of your failures. It is attained by starting to understand your power and your ability to do good things that will transcend yourself and transform others.

September 13

I'm rebranding this.

It's not just the daily readings, but other things as well. Mostly, though, I want to make this not self-involved, but other-involved.

I'm incredibly blessed and lucky. I have a wonderful wife, two great kids, a nice house, a steady job, and all kinds of other good things. There is nothing that is happening to me that someone else hasn't survived first.

So if I am not the key to the universe, what is, then? Well, all I have is my understanding, and a continuing quest to increase that understanding.

I think the key to the universe is other people. It's an area that people typically botch to one degree or another, and one of the major drawbacks of our being. We screw stuff up and never let go of the bad effects on others or ourselves.

You have to be responsible, but you also have to be free. Otherwise, we are too defined by our failures, but if we are fearfully and wonderfully made, aren't we more than those failures.

I own a crapload of failure. I have screwed up enough to build a really high mountain. But there is more to it than that. I also have a great ability to do good things, as well. I have been blessed with a remarkable amount of talent and, when I choose to use it, a really soft heart.

Redemption isn't just something that allows us to feel good and to dodge whatever our latest mess is, it is the key to learning and doing more than surviving. It is the key to a rich and vibrant life.