Lost my way

I whine a lot. It's okay. I know it, and I'm working on it.

Lately, I've been whining about work. In reality, some of it's justified. But it's not going to change. It is what it is. After being laid off for the better part of two years, there's plenty to be said for my job. I make decent money and the benefits are good. I'm just not all that well suited for it sometimes, and the prospects for advancement...well, someone would basically have to die.
Within the past two weeks, I decided--with abundant evidence in my favor--that it doesn't matter what I do at work. And to a degree, I'm right. I am the bad guy. I'm the guy they go to when something doesn't work or isn't right. When it works or it's right, they forget me.

I have a picture on my cube of Jesus washing Peter's feet. It's very small and if you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't see it. Today, I will add a fake baseball card of my son. His season on the Citrus Park Marlins just concluded. It's too bad. I like going there and talking with the boys. I like that in Scouts, too.

I'm 42 years old and I want to be different. I want what I do to matter. The key to making what you do matter is to make it matter. When I leave my job for the last time, there's a pretty good chance that no one will remember or care. The people I've gone out of my way for will continue demanding and someone else will be there to respond to them, or not. I'm not going to change them. The ones that expect, and when they get what the expect, expect more, are never going to change. If they view me as a chess piece to getting what they want, they will view the next person the same way.

So if I can't change them, I can change me. I can change my approach.

I'm looking to move forward. But in this position, I have the ability to be with the boys playing ball and at Scouts, and to help with my daughter's swim team. It's all the quaint little things about life in suburbia. And maybe it's wrong, but that's what matters. So maybe greatness at work is the wrong goal.

Maybe the way to make it matter is to make it meaningful to me while I am doing it. Maybe, the work that I am doing at the office from the time I get there until the time I leave isn't about fixing someone's problem post haste. Maybe there's something more than that there. Maybe that something more is the same something as talking to the boys at baseball or supporting girls' sports.

Maybe the work I do there is the most important thing there is...for today.