My encounter with Jesus

Jesus returned yesterday. Actually, he's been here for quite some time, but he's just now starting his public ministry. He's been working as an assistant manager at the AMC theaters next to the Veteran's Expressway in Tampa. He's also known to hang out after work at Logan's Road House in front of the theater and enjoy two-for-one beers during happy hour with his friends Jaime, Johan, and Andrew.

Yesterday, after we took the kids to see Fat Albert, Jesus was taking his break and decided to speak with me.

"Chris," he said, "I need to speak with you."

"Who the hell are you?" I responded respectfully.

"I am Jesus, your personal Lord and savior and I have come again."

"I would have expected something different than a retail job," I said.

"But I am in management," he said. "And if this works out, I might be able to get the manager's job at the new Muvico theaters over in new Tampa."

"Good luck on that," I said.

"I appreciate that," he said, "but I am concerned and a little upset with you."

When my Lord and personal savior tells me he is upset with something I am doing, it merits attention.

"Can you get me a discount on popcorn and Cokes?" I asked. "I mean, after all, the markups on that stuff are as vile as the gouging that took place outside the temple. And you got pretty upset about that."

He sighed.

"Right, but the moneychangers were gouging people who were trying to worship my Father. Unless you count Mel Gibson's movie, that isn't the case here. Besides, didn't you see that study from the Center for Science in the Public Interest that said how bad popcorn was for you?"

"Yeah, but I figured after I ate all that crap, you could just heal me."

"Okay, now we have two things to talk about, but that will have to wait. I'm not going to heal you just so you can get away with gorging yourself on junkfood."

"Killjoy."

He sighed again. I didn't want to piss Jesus off, so I kept my mouth shut. On ocassion, I can now manage to do that.

"I want to talk to you about your politics," He said.

"Okay, what about them?"

"Well," he said, pausing dramatically, "they're just wrong. I mean, they aren't what a follower of mine should be. I think you need to rethink your positions."

"What do you mean?"

"Take homosexuality for instance. I'm not happy with your thoughts on that. Or the death penalty or tax policy or any of that stuff, really. When I shed my blood for you, it wasn't so that you could be stupid about your politics."

"But I thought your grace was a gift freely given to anyone who asked for it."

He sighed again. And glanced over at the ticket window. There was a line starting to form and there was only one person working the window. Apparently, being an assistant manager meant that you had to help out, even on your breaks.

"I don't have time to completely tell you where you are wrong, but trust me, you need to rethink what you think. And pretty soon, too."

"Why the hurry?"

He mulled that. I wouldn't have figured that the Son of Man would need to spend a lot of time thinking about something. I sort of figured he already knew it.

"Trust me on this, sooner is better than later. When you are here in Florida, you can go inside and turn on the air conditioner when it is hot. That isn't the case everywhere."

"Were you happy with who I voted for?" I asked.

"Have I said nothing to you? That guy is going straight to hell because of his political stances."

"But what if He truly believes that He is following you? I mean the catechism clearly says that we are to inform ourselves and then pray and make the decision on our own."

"Well, yeah, but only if you come to the right decision. You haven't. So, Me and My Dad have had a talk about you and you need to shape up. Now."

He glanced over again and saw that the line was continuing to build. Apparently someone had brought all the children in their neighborhood to the movie.

"Damn little rugrats," He said. "I have never seen destruction like they can do to a clean theater. Not even in Sodom and Gemorah. It's amazing."

He walked away from me.

"You think about what I said," He said. I said I would. What else could I say. It would be rude to lie to Jesus. "I would like to speak with you at some point about your position on the war in Iraq. There is only one appropriate position and you haven't taken it."

With that, he opened the door to the ticket booth and disappeared. I drank my Coke, which now tasted funny. I guess in concern about my health, he had turned my Coke into Diet Coke.